Thursday, November 4, 2010

Dear Old Friend...

I was called upon today to think about Tribe. Inviting people into your life. Inviting them the right way. But all I think of is my old best friend. She was more than my friend, she was closer to me than my bones. She was my heart, my smile, and for a while, my life. 

As life goes, sometimes you go one way, another goes another way. And that is that. We had a terrible falling out and haven't spoken in three years. After three years I miss her more. It is hard to know that I will probably never see her again, talk with her, have a birthday visit. Today I was called upon to think about Tribe. So today, I will honor a lost member and clear space for a new one.

Dear Old Friend,

I'm sure that you know that I miss you terribly. And I do. I miss you everyday and dream about you most nights. I dream of seeing you and hugging you and crying. I wake up missing you and our friendship. 

I miss having a friend who really knows me. Who has seen me at my best and worst in 12 hours flat. Who makes me laugh by saying nothing. Who makes watching television an art form. 

I miss taking silly photos in snow storms. I miss being me with you. I miss our friendship and hope that I won't miss you forever. I hope to one day see you again and that one that day we will be fine.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Still Crazy After All These Years

How do you manage to spy into my mind? Today's Love Letter came right on time- just as I dissected every last moment of the conversations I have had with a boy I like. What did this mean- what did that. Will he call- blah blah blah. See I have been driven crazy.

I have been made mad by the men in my life. And even though they are in my past- they continue to screw with my present. That is- until now. Right now. That ends here. 

Mondo asked us how we can move toward love, gentleness, and calm today. This is how- I can bury these boys. Here are their eulogies.

Dear S: You started this roller coaster. You never gave me a sense of safety, love, or home. You are a twisted man who twisted me. I now have the burden of untwisting for the rest of my life.

Dear N: I will always love you for being my first love, but you did wrong by me. You cheated. And you mind gamed and made me feel I was wrong when you were cheating on me. You began me on a bad love road. You may have loved me as you say, but you didn't do it right.

Dear NA: I loved you fully and you used me. You knew I loved you and it served you. You let me fall deeper and deeper and left me crying at an airport.

Dear J: I thought you would never hurt me. I loved your safety and loyalty. Until you came home one night coked to the gills and screaming. You made me feel unsafe, and that I could never really trust anyone again.

Dear JM: You were my breath of fresh air, this dream come to life. But it was all a lie. I cleaned out half of my apartment and waited for you to move in. But you never came. I found out you moved in with your girlfriend of 4 years. I went into shock and needed medical attention.

Dear A: You came looking for me and made me think I found new love. Real love. You lied. 

Dear C: I finally thought this was it, instead it was more of the same. You couldn't stand up and be the man I needed. You betrayed me and were more of a baby than our lost child.

Dear AC: You came into my life to expose the crime I endured. After surviving a violent attempted rape, I could barely take you sleeping with me and never calling again.

I have got to get the courage to let you all go- all of you and what you have done to me. I can't let you ruin me or my chance at happiness. I've got to have the courage to believe in goodness and love.

And believe that these things can happen to me. 

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Gratitude for the Present.

I love you Mondo. I was called to be grateful for my present time which is indeed a weak spot. I look at the past with rose colored glasses, even when it wasn't so great when I was living it. I look to the future as something to soon be great, even though I know it will not only be so great. 

I look at my present as moments that need to pass. Never really happy to be in it. I usually want to be somewhere else. Even when in the past I had wished to be right where I am now. 

The present is a time that I wait to go away, and I am rarely grateful to be in it. Let's face it. I've got a lot of stuff. And I want most of it to go away, even though I know that they won't. But today I was asked to be thankful for my present, to be present in my present. It's rough, but it's necessary. It's what I have to do. Because I am missing my life away, waiting for something better, something brighter, something newer, something else, something more. I've been missing the something that I've got and that it's good enough. 

Good enough, for the present moment.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Dares Begin.

I got my first dare, to share some tenderness. I immediately thought of my mother because let's face it, I have been a tough kid to have. 

I'm always sick, always in pain- either emotional or physical or both, and always a bit off center. I always feel terrible for her having to have me, because I am not an easy kid to have, especially since I am no longer a kid. But in all honesty, I give her lots of love and attention. It is my sister who has really been lacking my tenderness and love.

My sister is on the top of that list. As children we were always at odds, and none of that was really our fault. We had it tough, so tough that we couldn't even trust each other, let alone ourselves. We have had good times and terrible times but always come back to each other for more time. 

She has been so kind and supportive of me, especially in the last few months. She deserves to know I appreciate her. She deserves to know that I am proud of her and love her. I felt a bit bad that I had a dare to do it....this showed me that I don't need to be 'dared' to do it. Now I can do it on my own.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

In The Right Place. Thank You Universe.

I've joined the Dream Lab from Mondo Beyondo. I've never been a joiner, which has always been a problem for me. Because not being a joiner leaves you alone and lonely. And I have had enough alone and lonely for one lifetime. Actually, for several lifetimes.

So, I joined.

They have 'Love Letters from the Universe' which, if you know me, are right in line with my Messages from the Universe. 

After being attacked in front of my home this summer, I have become lost. I don't recognize myself anymore. Actually, I have become someone else. And I don't like her much. She's terrified and testy and mad and inpatient. Especially with herself. She doesn't feel like me at all. 

When I heard the gate open I knew I was in trouble. And I was right. Hearing that gate is still jarring to me. The piece of metal that may have saved my life or saved me from a much worse attack still makes my ears echo whenever anyone opens it. It is no longer the door to my home. It is now my trigger.

I still live where I was attacked. I walk down the steps where I caught my concussion. I stand where he tried to rape me everyday.  I garden where I lost myself and where this new person was born. 
I'm considering moving. I was against this at first. The idea of this stranger having power over where I lived infuriated me. I wouldn't move from my home because of him. But now I consider moving for me. To give myself a new space and reclaim a feeling of home. I've been considering moving a lot. 

Then I got my first Love Letter from the Universe. It was meant for me to take part in the Dream Lab and for me to get that note. Thank you to whoever- whatever- wherever. Thank you for sending me this