How do you manage to spy into my mind? Today's Love Letter came right on time- just as I dissected every last moment of the conversations I have had with a boy I like. What did this mean- what did that. Will he call- blah blah blah. See I have been driven crazy.
I have been made mad by the men in my life. And even though they are in my past- they continue to screw with my present. That is- until now. Right now. That ends here.
Mondo asked us how we can move toward love, gentleness, and calm today. This is how- I can bury these boys. Here are their eulogies.
Dear S: You started this roller coaster. You never gave me a sense of safety, love, or home. You are a twisted man who twisted me. I now have the burden of untwisting for the rest of my life.
Dear N: I will always love you for being my first love, but you did wrong by me. You cheated. And you mind gamed and made me feel I was wrong when you were cheating on me. You began me on a bad love road. You may have loved me as you say, but you didn't do it right.
Dear NA: I loved you fully and you used me. You knew I loved you and it served you. You let me fall deeper and deeper and left me crying at an airport.
Dear J: I thought you would never hurt me. I loved your safety and loyalty. Until you came home one night coked to the gills and screaming. You made me feel unsafe, and that I could never really trust anyone again.
Dear JM: You were my breath of fresh air, this dream come to life. But it was all a lie. I cleaned out half of my apartment and waited for you to move in. But you never came. I found out you moved in with your girlfriend of 4 years. I went into shock and needed medical attention.
Dear A: You came looking for me and made me think I found new love. Real love. You lied.
Dear C: I finally thought this was it, instead it was more of the same. You couldn't stand up and be the man I needed. You betrayed me and were more of a baby than our lost child.
Dear AC: You came into my life to expose the crime I endured. After surviving a violent attempted rape, I could barely take you sleeping with me and never calling again.
I have got to get the courage to let you all go- all of you and what you have done to me. I can't let you ruin me or my chance at happiness. I've got to have the courage to believe in goodness and love.
And believe that these things can happen to me.
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