Dear Old Friend...

I was called upon today to think about Tribe. Inviting people into your life. Inviting them the right way. But all I think of is my old best friend. She was more than my friend, she was closer to me than my bones. She was my heart, my smile, and for a while, my life. 

As life goes, sometimes you go one way, another goes another way. And that is that. We had a terrible falling out and haven't spoken in three years. After three years I miss her more. It is hard to know that I will probably never see her again, talk with her, have a birthday visit. Today I was called upon to think about Tribe. So today, I will honor a lost member and clear space for a new one.

Dear Old Friend,

I'm sure that you know that I miss you terribly. And I do. I miss you everyday and dream about you most nights. I dream of seeing you and hugging you and crying. I wake up missing you and our friendship. 

I miss having a friend who really knows me. Who has seen me at my best and worst in 12 hours flat. Who makes me laugh by saying nothing. Who makes watching television an art form. 

I miss taking silly photos in snow storms. I miss being me with you. I miss our friendship and hope that I won't miss you forever. I hope to one day see you again and that one that day we will be fine.

Still Crazy After All These Years

Oh Mondo!

How do you manage to spy into my mind? Today's Love Letter came right on time- just as I dissected every last moment of the conversations I have had with a boy I like. What did this mean- what did that. Will he call- blah blah blah. See I have been driven crazy.

I have been made mad by the men in my life. And even though they are in my past- they continue to screw with my present. That is- until now. Right now. That ends here. 

Mondo asked us how we can move toward love, gentleness, and calm today. This is how- I can bury these boys. Here are their eulogies.

Dear S: You started this roller coaster. You never gave me a sense of safety, love, or home. You are a twisted man who twisted me. I now have the burden of untwisting for the rest of my life.

Dear N: I will always love you for being my first love, but you did wrong by me. You cheated. And you mind gamed and made me feel I was wrong when you were cheating on me. You began me on a bad love road. You may have loved me as you say, but you didn't do it right.

Dear NA: I loved you fully and you used me. You knew I loved you and it served you. You let me fall deeper and deeper and left me crying at an airport.

Dear J: I thought you would never hurt me. I loved your safety and loyalty. Until you came home one night coked to the gills and screaming. You made me feel unsafe, and that I could never really trust anyone again.

Dear JM: You were my breath of fresh air, this dream come to life. But it was all a lie. I cleaned out half of my apartment and waited for you to move in. But you never came. I found out you moved in with your girlfriend of 4 years. I went into shock and needed medical attention.

Dear A: You came looking for me and made me think I found new love. Real love. You lied. 

Dear C: I finally thought this was it, instead it was more of the same. You couldn't stand up and be the man I needed. You betrayed me and were more of a baby than our lost child.

Dear AC: You came into my life to expose the crime I endured. After surviving a violent attempted rape, I could barely take you sleeping with me and never calling again.

I have got to get the courage to let you all go- all of you and what you have done to me. I can't let you ruin me or my chance at happiness. I've got to have the courage to believe in goodness and love.

And believe that these things can happen to me.