I love you Mondo. I was called to be grateful for my present time which is indeed a weak spot. I look at the past with rose colored glasses, even when it wasn't so great when I was living it. I look to the future as something to soon be great, even though I know it will not only be so great.
I look at my present as moments that need to pass. Never really happy to be in it. I usually want to be somewhere else. Even when in the past I had wished to be right where I am now.
The present is a time that I wait to go away, and I am rarely grateful to be in it. Let's face it. I've got a lot of stuff. And I want most of it to go away, even though I know that they won't. But today I was asked to be thankful for my present, to be present in my present. It's rough, but it's necessary. It's what I have to do. Because I am missing my life away, waiting for something better, something brighter, something newer, something else, something more. I've been missing the something that I've got and that it's good enough.
Good enough, for the present moment.
I got my first dare, to share some tenderness. I immediately thought of my mother because let's face it, I have been a tough kid to have.
I'm always sick, always in pain- either emotional or physical or both, and always a bit off center. I always feel terrible for her having to have me, because I am not an easy kid to have, especially since I am no longer a kid. But in all honesty, I give her lots of love and attention. It is my sister who has really been lacking my tenderness and love.
My sister is on the top of that list. As children we were always at odds, and none of that was really our fault. We had it tough, so tough that we couldn't even trust each other, let alone ourselves. We have had good times and terrible times but always come back to each other for more time.
She has been so kind and supportive of me, especially in the last few months. She deserves to know I appreciate her. She deserves to know that I am proud of her and love her. I felt a bit bad that I had a dare to do it....this showed me that I don't need to be 'dared' to do it. Now I can do it on my own.
I've joined the Dream Lab from Mondo Beyondo. I've never been a joiner, which has always been a problem for me. Because not being a joiner leaves you alone and lonely. And I have had enough alone and lonely for one lifetime. Actually, for several lifetimes.
So, I joined.
They have 'Love Letters from the Universe' which, if you know me, are right in line with my Messages from the Universe.
After being attacked in front of my home this summer, I have become lost. I don't recognize myself anymore. Actually, I have become someone else. And I don't like her much. She's terrified and testy and mad and inpatient. Especially with herself. She doesn't feel like me at all.
When I heard the gate open I knew I was in trouble. And I was right. Hearing that gate is still jarring to me. The piece of metal that may have saved my life or saved me from a much worse attack still makes my ears echo whenever anyone opens it. It is no longer the door to my home. It is now my trigger.
I still live where I was attacked. I walk down the steps where I caught my concussion. I stand where he tried to rape me everyday. I garden where I lost myself and where this new person was born.
I'm considering moving. I was against this at first. The idea of this stranger having power over where I lived infuriated me. I wouldn't move from my home because of him. But now I consider moving for me. To give myself a new space and reclaim a feeling of home. I've been considering moving a lot.
Then I got my first Love Letter from the Universe. It was meant for me to take part in the Dream Lab and for me to get that note. Thank you to whoever- whatever- wherever. Thank you for sending me this
